happily ever after...
as i grow older, i realise... reality doesn't have happy endings... life goes on and on... without ending... ppl who pass away eventually still exist as memories or even unsolved issues in the hearts as those who live... there really isn't an ending...

more than one person have come to me, concerned abt the melancholy after reading my blog. is it such a surprise? this side of me? maybe it's just becos it only manifests in my writings once in a while.

well if u're interested... the most accurate personality test i've taken so far is the MBTI, twice i've taken it... once in JC, once in uni - and guess wat... out of 4 characteristics one has shifted from this

INFP
(Introvert, Intuitive, Feeler, Perceiver)
People of this type tend to be: quiet, reserved, and kind; deeply passionate, sensitive, and easily hurt; loving and dedicated to those close to them; creative, original, and imaginative; curious and flexible in small matters; nonconforming.
The most important thing to INFPs is their deeply held beliefs and living in harmony with their values.

to this...
INTP
(Introvert, Intuitive, Thinker, Perceiver)
People of this type tend to be: quiet, independent, and private; logical and unemotional; creative, ingenious, and innovative, global thinkers; curious and driven to increase their competence; casual, and adaptive; nonconforming and unpredictable.
The most important thing to INTPs is their privacy and the opportunity to solve complex problems in unique ways.


HORRORS... i have changed from highly passionate and sensitive to unemotional
why do i blog? why reveal intimate thoughts and feelings in a virtual world where i have absolutely no control as to who will have access to my personal thoughts and feelings?? why seek comments or remarks or some lifesigns of my audience? at first, i brushed it off as simply an outlet to "share" my joys n sorrows... on deeper thought?

it might be...
a darker childish desire to know that people are interested in me?
a lonely cry in my heart asking for concern?!
a place for me to say things i dare not say in the "real" aka non=virtual world?
or maybe it's simply a place i get in touch with my "sensitive" side...

reality, school, environment has conditioned me... to curb my expressiveness... my outburst of emotions has been suppressed to this pathetic vent online to a virtual world who reads me like newspapers over breakfast... like watching the september 11 incident in singapore over cable tv... there is a chinese saying to describe this - watching a fire on the other side of the river...

am i blaming those around me for causing me to be this way? of cos not... this is my choice... if u're still reading all this crap up till now... thanks... for ur time to see what happens at least... i just hope it's not all too bizarre for u... this all does sounds like "me, me, me, me, me..." but hey... it's my blog... so what else would i b expected to write about anyway? world peace? give me a break...

maybe it's jus becos i m no longer courageous enough to say what i feel, the stakes have become too high to allow my wilfulness... it is sad isn't it? that we're to act as adults but encouraged to be innocent as children... ironic.... controlling our emotions - is this an act of maturity? or a suppression of our god-given ability to express?

how do we live with a mature passion? can passion even be modest? no... passion consumes... it is not modest... do we seek passion? or should we seek love? love encourages... protects... is meek... is patient... but passion is not so... it comes, lightning a strike of lightning!! glorious for all to see... but only for those who catch it in a glimpse of the moment... but never to last... except as a memory... some ppl use photography to capture fleeting moments of beauty permanently, photography captures the picture, but not the experience, some things u just have to be there to feel it u can nvr feel adrenaline rush from seeing a picture... i love watching lightning clouds... random vibrant streaks of lightning flashing in the sky... u will nvr b able to experience that beauty if u don't see it with ur own eyes... as is the magnificence of a shooting star... it nvr is the same.

if passion is the spark that start the engine... love must be the fuel that drives the engine to win the race... at least that's how i understand it...

Give me one pure and holy passion,
And give me one magnificent obsession,
Give me one glorious ambition for my life--
To know and to follow hard after You.

To know and follow hard after You,
To grow as Your disciple in Your truth.
This world is empty, pale and poor,
compared to knowing You my Lord,
Lead me on, and I will run after You,
Lead me on, and I will run after You.